New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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