i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
