weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
