i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
