Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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