two words: eviction party
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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