i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just puked most of my soul out..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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