it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
