so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
