pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
