Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
