I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
