4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
