Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
