forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I want her autograph on my taint
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Randomize
