the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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