Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
