There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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