It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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