Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
