why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
