Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
