Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
