He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
