Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
