he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
