wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
