You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
