so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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