I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
