Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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