a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
