So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
