how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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