Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
