i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
