I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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