i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
