i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
