I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
