i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
