I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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