On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He better not be in your backpack
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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