I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
