I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
