So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
