My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
