You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
