She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
