She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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